Scared about what?

Relationships at this point of time have been a "taboo". More so because I believe I am not ready for it. Or rather, it's a scary thing. And I was asked what was it that made it scary. Then I realised, I don't know what I am scared of. It's just this emotion that comes along with it. Am I being silly? The typical next question asked would be, you had a painful past experience? I don't know if that's supposed to be fortunate or not. But no. No past experience. Is it a figment of my imagination that causes me to think too much? Or too much drama serial that obviously sensationalizes, and exaggerates everything? Or witnessing the relationships that go on around me? I can't seem to place my finger/hand/foot/leg onto what it is exactly.
It doesn't help when I have 2 friends who have been really talking to me about their views regarding relationships. One is set on celibacy. So much so that, she believes if God has plans for her to be with someone in future, she would be... let's say... be lost. And the other, is just the exact opposite. It's kinda weird to hear them talk to me about it sometimes. Striking opposites. And when asked, what about you? I am... speechless.
Not many things leave me speachless. But in this area, I know I haven't been thinking, because I'm scared. Why?

Random

1. I am having knee pain. either because i exercise too much, or my knee is lousy.
2. I can't stop eating chocolates. Grace insists it's beacuse of too much exercise. Now where do you get such logic?
3. Can't survive a 1 hr lecture anymore. I keep dozing off! Snacking doesn't help, thinking of stupid things doesn't help, using different coloured pens doesn't help either!
4. I am getting so many reference books! Enough to make me look intelligent, but too many which makes my brain feel empty. (which btw, is exactly what my piggybank is feeling right now. EMPTY)
5. I actually craved school food when it was the holidays. 3 weeks into school, and I am officially sick of it already.
6. oh yes the test dates are all pilling up
7. Kinda sick of hearing my friends tell me I don't dress up for school. But then again, i really can't be bothered to do what they do.
8. I am back to the "can't wait for the weekends to come" mode already. And it's only 3 weeks into school.
9. Trying to get to school on time, with heavy traffic, pouring rains, and a route littered with schools, at 6 plus in the morning is impossible. It's tried, tested, proven and guarenteed. It's either I get stuck in a traffic jam, OR, the bus takes eternity to arrive. What happened to those good old days when i get lifts to school? WHERE! Well my dad offered me a ride on the rainy tuesday morning. Guess where he offered to drop me? The bus stop outside my house. (: helpful huh?
10. Picture this. 14 beginner violinists, all bowing A note, of different variations (which just means out of tune), but all staring intently at their own fingers, violins, scores, as if they were all playing master pieces. The combined "music" produced and their serious facial expressions is a hilarious sight. ha.

Starting the first step

Decisions can sometimes be pretty tough to make. Or maybe it's because I worry too much. Tried to place things on the balance and weigh them before deciding that I should just give strings ensemble a try. And you know what? I decided that I should just try it. Taking too much time to think and measure and what nots.
So... today I had my first lesson. Cool. (:
I had a lot of fun. Supposed to finish at 7.30. Ended up leaving school only at 9 plus. I enjoyed myself.
Today's lunch hour was spent in an interesting way too. I sat down with my malay friend. And we shared about each other's religion. I heard stuff and found out stuff I never knew. And obviously she heard stuff from me too. Quite a different experience.

What a pity

Today marks the end of my night courses. I enjoyed it so much, I wish it never ended. Couldn't find another time when I was so looking forward to just listening and learning more. God's word is a piece of art. At different angles, you see different colours, more intricate details. Stand further away, you see a bigger picture. How the intricacies weave into something else.
The first thing I said when the course ended was, "So sad". That's because he couldn't finish. How I wish he could finish on Revelations. How I wish he had time to touch on EVERY book of the bible. (:
Being able to attend these night courses, has been a miracle to me. And I thank God for adding oil into the fire for knowledge once again.

Cling on!

This weekend, I had an overdose. It's quite hard to explain why, quite hard to tell how, even harder to tell when. Maybe it's my mood, maybe it's a piling up of feelings. Can't exactly pin point on something. When I need a break, I think I honestly need one. But I don't necessarily get one. And that's the problem when I want one, and I don't get one.
Then I have to start working. How? Telling myself how I absolutely should control, look on the brighter side, learn to accept, try to love, pretend to ignore, etc. For all those who haven't tried to psycho yourself, let me tell you, it's hard work.
It's no point sulking your way through something, if i can eventually get myself to feel at least neutral about it. Especially when you know you have to do it. That's what I have taught myself to do.
Then I question myself. What is it that I have to do? Is it always a have? Or is it a want? Can't I be rebellious for a while? Maybe I've never had the reputation of being rebellious. Can't I bargain? Whine? Try ways and means to get what I want sometimes? Does that come across to you as obnoxious behaviour? I haven't tried it. But you know what? There is this bit of me that wants to. I've never tried it. And I actually want to!
Getting stuck with wanting to please people is a never ending cycle. Regardless of who it is. Why should I even want to please people. How about myself? Right. This is the most selfish thought ever. This however is honesty, at certain phases in life.
Have to keep clinging on to what's right and what's good. And I thank God for telling me exactly what's right and what's wrong. Can't imagine the confused state I would be in if I were a postmodernist. But clinging on, can sometimes be tiring. And this is the result of being tired.
Oh. but it's ok. I get back on track pretty quickly too. (:

Low points

At some point in life, I will lose focus, feel discouraged, feel angry, feel lost. And I thank God that He always sends someone to hear me out. Keeps those perspectives straight. Tells me in my face if I am wrong. Challenges me to what's right. Encourages to what needs some. Suggests new things. But yet, leaving me enough room to think, learn, decipher, try, make mistakes.

Bible knowledge = 0?

How many of us can tell others principles on how we should act, what we should think, but when it comes to having biblical support, we struggle to find the right verses to reinforce our principles which are really from the Bible! Ade reminded me the other day about how we really should advice friends, youths or anybody. Not by our own words but by the words of God, straight from the Bible. Which in this case, people like me would have to really keep quiet.

Blows

It's the first day of school!!! For all those lucky people out there still slacking and waking at 10 in the morning, I dragged myself out of bed at 6 when the sky was still gloomy and dark. God definitely didn't lay the red carpet for me on the way to school. But what He did do was to pave my journey with heavy raindrops, and howling winds. In fact, the wind was so strong, my umbrella was blown inside out. You know how the umbrella flips over in cartoons? Yup. exactly like that.

My first blow in school is to know that... my Fridays are NO LONGER FREE! In fact, it has turned out to be my latest day of the week. All because of electives.
My second blow is to know that the amount of information I am supposed to absorb is like that of a sponge and it's natural ability to absorb water. It's my first day of school, and i have enough memory work to last me a week. Not counting those that I kinda forgot from year 1.
My third blow is to know that my textbooks cost a bomb! There is a book I am supposed to get and it costs 200 Aussie dollars. Is that daylight robbery or what? Besides, it's a 1cm thick book, and the pictures are black and white (not like they have a lot of pictures in the first place).

That should be enough to make my 1st day of school a little more adrenaline pumping than I expected it to be. Looking forward to tomorrow. (: only to the BTS course actually. Not so much of going back to school and being thrown more facts my way.

Mistakes

Mistakes come at high prices. And when I say high prices, this time, I mean it literally. Sigh. I am quite capable of doing the weirdest things, the stupidest things. And this time, I have proven myself right again. Expensive lesson. Oh well, people learn right? I believe with all my heart that I am one of those people. I WILL learn.

Had a good time just talking and sharing with some of the fellow leaders at YWAV. (Of course accompanied with delicious food... it was real good. You should see the chocolate drink that we had. HUGE. Overflowing with icecream, chocolate syrup, chocolate bits... ok sorry)

The greatest thing in a ministry is when the people in it, encourage each other, hear each other out, and definitely pray for each other. I hope YWAV leaders can continue to uphold each other in prayer, in love.